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Discussion Starter #1
Has this great Text earlier, think this Thread should have rules - you can only post if you add a joke at the same time, or just post a joke for the **** of it...

Here's the 1st one

Apple announced today that they have developed a breast implant that can store and playback music files. The iTit is due to be on the market in Summer 2011 and is expected to retail at $299 to $699 depending on Cup and Speaker Size. This amazing feet of engineering has been hailed as a Social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them...
 

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2 men walking down the road see a blind dog shagging a cabbage
one bloke says to the other "poor bugger must have thought it was a collie"
 

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When travelling in extreme weather conditions,the government advise you to carry a shovel,a flask,a pair of wellies,some rock salt,a hi -viz jacket and a blanket..... I looked a right plonker on the bus today.
 

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When Love Fades...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV
when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, ars**ole I was talking to the cat.
 

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FIFA blames Panorama for 2018 World Cup bid failure. FIFA says "Englandcrossed the line." Ohh, you (*^£%^ noticed that one this time did you?
 

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The Human Body


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.


One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).


The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.


Women reading this will be finished now.


Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I'm glad the thaw has started
since the snow started last week
the wife has been constantly staring though, the window
and if it had gotten any colder
I might have had to let her in
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><t><tr><td valign="top" style="padding-top: 0cm; padding-right: 0cm; padding-bottom: 0cm; padding-left: 0cm; "><div style="word-wrap: break-word; ">
</font>Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas</font>
</font>A&M</font></font>University
has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling,bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushingthrough the fabric when cold weather se</font>
ts in.</font>
</font>
At a news conference, after announcing the invention,
</font>

</font>a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh*t out of him</font>

</font></font>

</font></font>
</font></td></tr></t></table>
 

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Double entendre:


> 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse.
> I once rode her mother.'
>
> 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
> Gibson comes inside of him.'
>
> 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting comment ator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
> Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
>
> 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
> that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
> Oxford crew..'
>
> 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
> playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
> balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'
>
> 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
> said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
>
> 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
> and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that
> eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave
> the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
>
> 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
> today after a 69 yesterday.'
>
> 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
> 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
> this. '
>
> 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen
> Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
>
> 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
> astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They
> seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
> shorts.'
>
> 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
> Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
> use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
 

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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to betwelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of herBirthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the ScreamingMonsterRoller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'<BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break">
 

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A couple decided to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, as they did 50 years earlier in their honeymoon.
So they travelled to the same country, stayed at the same hotel and booked the same room.
So they arrive at the hotel and checked into their hotel room.
The wife notices that everything about the hotel, the room, is still decorated the same as it was 50 years ago.
So the husband suggests to order dinner in the room and eat naked, just as they did when they were on honeymoon.
So there they are, naked, eating, enjoying each other's company.
After a while the wife says;
"Honey you know what, I am still feeling the sameexcitement I felt 50 years ago"
and to that the husband replied;
"Darling, your breasts are in the soup" !!
 

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<DIV style="FONT-STYLE: normal; DISPLAY: inline; FONT-FAMILY: 'Calibri'; COLOR: #000000; FONT-SIZE: small; FONT-WEIGHT: normal; TEXT-DECORATION: none">
<DIV style="FONT: 10pt tahoma">

<DIV style="FONT-STYLE: normal; DISPLAY: inline; FONT-FAMILY: 'Calibri'; COLOR: #000000; FONT-SIZE: small; FONT-WEIGHT: normal; TEXT-DECORATION: none">A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of Golf. One transferred to another city.. It wasn't the same without
him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good.. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"


<DIV style="FONT-STYLE: normal; DISPLAY: inline; FONT-FAMILY: 'Calibri'; COLOR: #000000; FONT-SIZE: small; FONT-WEIGHT: normal; TEXT-DECORATION: none">The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her left-hand.
They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit.

<DIV style="FONT-STYLE: normal; DISPLAY: inline; FONT-FAMILY: 'Calibri'; COLOR: #000000; FONT-SIZE: small; FONT-WEIGHT: normal; TEXT-DECORATION: none">
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his dick was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
 

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A Sergeant Major in the army had a batman called Wibble.
One day after drilling the men on the parade ground the Sergent Major returned to his billet and called for Wibble. "Yes Sir" he replied..... The Sergeant Major asked Wibble to run him a bath. "Certainly Sir" he replied. As he left to go and run the bath the Sgt Major called after him and asked Wibble to have his slippers and newspaper ready for him when he had finished. "Sir" "Yes Sir"
As the Sgt Major was getting in the bath he had a sudden stomach cramp and farted.
When he had finished he came out of the bathroom to find his slippers and newspaper as he had asked, together with a hot water bottle..................?? "Wibble" he cried - "Who the devil asked you for this hot water bottle"? Wibble replied "You did Sir"
"As you lowered yourself into the bath I distinctly heard you say" "WHATABOUTAWATERBOTTLEWIBBLE"
 
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